Newlywed Nico Tortorella is proof that looks really can be deceiving. In a new interview with Gay Star News, the 29-year-old actor opens up about his experience as a non-binary “straight passing” cisgender male, as well as the difficulty with which some in the gay community have with accepting him.
“A lot of my audience and the world knows me as a character I play on television who’s a very cis, very straight dude,” Nico says.
“It makes me seem a way that is, quote unquote, ‘normal’ on television that’s approachable and super commercial. I mean, historically, the straight, white man has always been the first person to get a message across.”
Related: PHOTOS: What’s better than taking a bath? Taking one with Nico Tortorella.
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The 29-year-old says there’s “absolutely a privilege” that comes with being or simply appearing to be a straight, white, cisgender dude. And he’s the first to admit he enjoys it.
“It’s in the way I conduct myself and hold myself, and even my primary relationship, which is with a biological female and in one way or another [emphasises a sense of] straight-passingness,” he says.
Last month, Nico married his longtime lesbian partner, Bethany Meyers. The couple has been in a polyamorous relationship for the past 11 years.
“In many ways we’re very much gender-queer and don’t believe in the binary at all. But for the rest of the world, yeah, of course there’s a privilege,” he says.
He continues, “With that recognition–and I’m not speaking for other people– there’s a responsibility to use that platform to spread a message that’s much larger than who I am, the relationship I have and what I do.”
“If I can be a conduit for positivity and celebrating marginalized communities and relationships that don’t usually get the microphone, then I’m gonna f*ckin’ do that as loudly as possible.”
And as for his critics, Nico has this to say:
I’ve dated other bisexuals and I’ve dated straight women and gay men. The most flack I get–and not necessarily flack but just confusion of acceptance–is from, specifically, cis gay men that can’t fathom that I can play in the spectrum of both gender and sexuality.
But I think the message of this conversation, the way I use the word ‘fluid’, transcends any gender behavior or gender expression. To really shape-shift and to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be all the time–that changes who you’re surrounded by, the environment you’re in and where you are in your life. You can’t break something that bends.
Related: PHOTOS: Nico Tortorella wore a white dress as he married his longtime lesbian partner
Brian
This guy is exhausting.
ingyaom
What did I just read? I have no idea what that was all about, but apparently it was said by a man who’s married to a woman, so what’s gay about that?
Greg
Girls who are boys, who like boys to be girls, who do boys like they’re girls, who do girls like they’re boys. Always should be someone you really love
DarkZephyr
I don’t get this. I thought he didn’t like men at all because they “constantly let him down”?
balehead
Still hawt and that’s all that matters…
LABrad
It makes my skin crawl whenever someone says “cis gay men”. People are assigning a label and a feeling of being mind/ body congruent or gender/ sex congruent to other people.
What? That’s the definition of being gay. Same hardware, different software.
If trans people want to go though a “transition” to fix themselves, shouldn’t we be calling them “cis”?
LABrad
I mis-worded that … I meant being incongruent is the definition of being gay.
Terrycloth
He should become a politician with his ambiguous double speak .
frankie042172
this is my problem with him. i don’t think he is bi at all. and how does his wife refer to herself as a lesbian if she is marrying a man.
i think they are both just publicity seekers and that’s all it is. bottom line boy meets girl and they get married nothing bi about it and neither of them have any right claiming rights to any lgbt struggles that those of us who are true to who we are have to go through.
Kangol
Lesbians marry men all the time. You’d be surprised.
KaiserVonScheiss
What is a “non-binary cisgender male”? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
qlm
I don’t know why, but I like Nico, I like his work, and i appreciate that he has a platform to express how he feels, even when it doesn’t apply to me and my life. What I find sad is always the negative and self righteous comments that always present themselves. As a community of LGBT we have enough people trying to ostracize and marginalize us, but it seems at times that the worst offenders are those who should show some support to those who seem to try to just break the labels all together.
Brian
Break the labels? This article contains the labels: non-binary, straight passing, cisgender, male, white, gender-queer, bisexual, gay, straight, and fluid. If that’s what he’s trying to do, he’s doing a piss poor job of it.
Coreydnyc
He didn’t say he hated white men what he’s saying is, there is a white and Str8 passing privilege pond that he is happily swimming in and recognizes it. hey at least he recognizes it…unlike some
Ummmm Yeah
There are a lot of younger white people that have bought into the nonstop guilt trip coming from people who can’t accomplish anything on their own, so the blame white people for all their failures. Closet cases aren’t the only ones that are self loathing these days.
chris33133
When things get this complicated — it almost felt like I was trying to get a Ph.D. in post-modern terminology — I’d prefer that people just get rid of the labels and simply state that they love who they love. And in this case, it seems like he married the person who he loves; and I assume the feelings are reciprocated. I thought that the ability to love and to marry whoever we love is what we’ve been fighting for all these years.
Xzamilloh
I’ll just say this and be done with him: He’s a great looking guy, and good for his show’s success, but I don’t care… keep seeing him on here — and just on here — and I just do not care.
Wolfie
That’s because saying “non-binary straight passing cisgender male” over and over is exhausting.
uncz1978
I’m an older gay man. I’m a live and let live person.
Who am I to judge someone? Whatever makes Mr. Tortorella happy do it.
I take it he married a straight woman, is this just a career move?
He is a fine looking man. I just looked at pics of him. A get the smelling salts moment. LOL
Greg
Who is he? Who was he? Who does he hope to be?
Donston
I just don’t understand what this dude’s message or cause is. It can’t be bisexualtiy because he claims he doesn’t like to be around guys or engaging with them and won’t have a real relationship with one. It can’t even really be the non-cis gender stuff because he’s yet to truly go into with any real depth. All he does is wear an effeminate garment every some odd months on social media. It can’t be polygamy, because he doesn’t seem interested in having a genuine relationship with more than one person at a time. And can polygamy ever truly be a cause? He has all these supposed causes that he won’t shut up about. Yet, he remains vague, contradictory and standoffish. He won’t go into any real detail about his orientation or sense of gender yet he constantly uses these things for attention. I just don’t get it.
I’ve always been about living your life the way you feel you need to. It’s disturbing how unrelentingly desperate this dude is for constant publicity and constant public affirmation. It’s time to just stop caring about other people and live your life. Ultimately, he’s said too many pretentious, nonscensical, problematic, borderline homophobic, racist, misandrist and just flatout dumb things to ever be as widely embraced and loved as he wants. All he does is continuously hint towards having a lot of deeper issues than what he’s willing to reveal. If he actually talked about those “deeper issues” he might be worth listening to. Instead, his focus is on presenting his mindset and lifestyle as unique, special and “of the future” and constantly getting attention for it when half of the people in Hollywood live such a “lifestyle”. It’s best for all of us, including Nico, to just move on and let it be.
Donston
Orientation and sense of gender can be very complicated stuff and people go through a lot of different sh*t and stages in their life. However, he doesn’t seem interested in unpacking those complications and helping to educate people on those complications. He’s just using them for self-affirmation, an ego boost and attention. I really hope he’s not a self-hating, man-hating, public manipulating very gay-leaning man. That’d be a bad look for everyone. Not that he’s so far been a good look for any “group”.
alfred
lmao. At this pint I have just got to hand it to Mr Tortorella. He sure knows how to rile-up ‘the gays’. haha. Its more so the sanctimonious twitter queers who lap this stuff up that I worry about, rather than being ‘offended’ by what Nico says. Live your life bro.
Donston
That’s pretty much where I’ve always been. Once it became clear that his agenda had nothing to do with bisexuality or gender and that he would never go into any real detail about these things yet still use them for attention his usefulness to any cause became null and void. Ultimately, besides fangirls no one cares if you feel like a chick sometimes or that you want to have a main chick and some side dudes and trans women on the side. Just live your life and stop looking for constant praise and public affirmation.
Daniel-Reader
Translation: non-binary straight passing cisgender male = biomale on the outside, male and female on the inside who doesn’t intend to transition or crossdress
Donston
I get this. I have some “fluidity” in my orentation and sense of gender. Both things are pretty easy to explain if I feel the need to explain. However, there’s nothing straightforward or seemingly authentic about the way Nico discusses himself and sense of self. All he does is hide behind a multitude of “labels” and unrelentingly vague, pretentious doublespeak. And too many of his quotes have had misandrist, racist, self-hating or just ignorant undertones. Yet, he also wants to be viewed as someone who’s provocative and willing to speak up and be admired for it.
Honestly, he’s a reflection of a lot of “queers”. If you don’t confront your internal and external conflicts, your past traumas, the dimensions within your orientation and sense of gender and your ego issues at a young age they can all compile and convolute, especially if you’re famous (or trying to be famous) and living in Hollywood. And then you’re left constantly looking for things and other people to establish your sense of self and ego. It’s the very opposite of genuine “pride”.
davio2
On one hand he seems like decent guy but from all that I have read and witnessed over a couple of decades very, very, very few guys are truly bisexual. Women are sexually fluid and many women are easily bi but very few men are and if they are, they will end up with the same sex partner if push comes to shove. He needs to at least acknowledge all of that before he goes off on his nonsense…
enlightenone
LOL?!!!
thegoldenboy5588
I just want to ask, why do people even bother with him?
He’s not anything he claims to be. If you do simple math you would see that a lot of his logic makes no sense. He’s been with his now wife for 11 going on 12 year and he’s 29 turning 30. So looking at it he’s been with her since they were in high school, that’s their entire adult lives together so far.
So now I ask, what other relationships could they have been in if they’ve never broken up for more than a month?
At most the 2 of them have experimented & that’s totally fine. Just don’t try to make some huge grandstand about something that you’re not really fighting for.
Are they out there putting on a good face for the LGBTQ community? Are they supporting charities that better the community? Are they show the already confused youth that life can get better?
If they can’t honestly say yes to any of that, then what’s the point on even doing any kind of reports on him & his wife. If they are down for a good cause & are pushing for equality then more power to them, but if just seems like they are both trying to further some lackluster careers & just make names for themselves.
Cause in all honesty I didn’t even know who Nico was. While I was reading this I had to go Google him & see what his body of work is. Some of the stuff he is in I’ve seen, but I don’t remember his characters. He’s a handsome guy, but he’s an easily forgettable person. So if this is some attempt to build some kind of relevance for himself, then I feel he should just go away.
Donston
I believe Nico has supported a couple lgbtq charities. So, I will speak up for him concerning that. But that seemed more about image than anything else. However, I don’t think what he’s doing is all about wanting to be relevant. That may be part of it. I think he really wants to be understood or at least wants to be loved and embraced. He seems obsessed with it. As far as their relationship goes, no matter what dynamics may be within their orientation, they each come off as two very damaged people in a co-dependent situation. Both being too scared and quasi “confused” to truly cut ties. It is what it is.
All these different terminologies I feel have their purpose. But if you truly, thoroughly understand who you are and can express that honestly then most of these different “identities” become less important. Practically everything Nico says is a hodgepodge of terminologies and cliched phrases that he’s clearly picked up from other sources. He rarely seems to just speak directly and from his heart. And when he does it’s often “problematic”. That’s why both he and his wife (if they’re fo’ real married) need to just stop trying so hard to be embraced by everyone, stop trying so hard to gain “queer acceptance” and stop constantly playing victims. Just live your lives.
thegoldenboy5588
Donston that’s good if he is supporting charities. He’s great for that & I applaud him on that.
I totally agree with you. Him & his wife have this desperate need to be excepted by everyone, almost but not a extremely as that Aaron Carter mess. They are a straight couple who want attention so much that they’ve turned themselves into this “polyamorous non-binary straight passing cisgender male & lesbian” couple just for the sake of getting this attention.
I feel people would like to know more about them if they just stop with all the attempts to stand out as different & just come to people real. If they a couple that supports the LGBTQ community then that’s great & should stick to that, attention & recognition will come in its own right. But they try to make spectacles of themselves for a few “Oohs & Awws” that tend to fade when the novelty of their presence has worn off after 10 minutes.
Donston
Well, there can be many dimensions and degrees to orientation and sense of gender. And of course, everyone lives a different lifestyle. I have no problem with people at least attempting to explain the different dynamics of themselves and their “lifestyle”. In fact, I encourage it. But this persistently desperate desire to appear “queer” and to get love and acceptance from all lgbtq identifying people is just… desperate. Ultimately, it’s a cis gender couple. No body is transitioning. And no one wants to have a legitimate relationship with someone who not the opposite gender. So, stop trying so hard to appear “queer” and be beloved by “queers”. Explain who you are a couple times, show general support and then live your lives. This 2 year + “queer tour” they’ve been going on just highlights that they both likely have a lot of insecurities concerning themselves as individuals and their relationship.
Donston
Furthermore, 100% conventionally hetero people who feel like their cis gender 24/7 is actually the minority. So, there’s nothing “alternative” about their relationship. At least 60% of hetero couples could call their relationship “queer”. It’s either time for them to get to talking about real and uncomfortable issues rather than constantly placating people and playing victims or just move on. Because trying to constantly appear “strange” and “different” and trying so hard to appeal to and be adored by unabashedly gay, gay-leaning, trans-leaning people is not ever going to be a success.
DCguy
IF he is using the term “Lesbian” correctly, then it would seem that he married a woman he doesn’t have sex with. He didn’t call her “Bi” , she was referred to as a “Lesbian”.
This guy sounds like he’s trying WAAAAAAYYYYY too hard.
DarkZephyr
It just means “non-transgender”. But if this is such a big problem for you, do what you want.
Cylest Brooks
Hi Queerty readers!
I’ve deleted several comments from this thread and will continue to monitor it. Please remember that anti-trans sentiment and sexism are both violations of the Queerty comment policy. These comments will be removed.
Thanks for understanding!
Sam6969
When I saw this article about Tortorella, I knew I was going to find Donston pontificating about the ethos of the guy and about what is real bisexuality, always writing the same things, just like in the 12 out of 13 dedicated previous Queerty articles.
Donston, in each of these articles, you write compulsively novels repeating the same arguments and ending telling us you do not care about this actor and we should all forget him…but you are still here again and again, contradicting yourself all the time.
We get it. You accept bisexuality (mentioning you own personal journey from bisexuality to being exclusively gay), as long as it does not stem from narcissism or if the guy is not in fact (in your eyes) just another gay or straight individual, in denial, like you were.
We got it, Donston, you do not like him, as it reminds you bad memories and personal struggles.
Personally, I think narcissists can be bisexuals too and, besides, it is not proved he cannot love anyone but himself. It just happens to be your interpretation and, probably, your own projections.
Even if he was just loving himself through people, only his partners would be entitled to complain, though he is straightforward about the fact he does not want to be trapped in a traditional relationship. For outside observers, we just see someone, who is in love with people (to various degrees), whatever their gender, experiencing love, and that is rather a positive message he sends to his audience…
The fact he may not have full knowledge of himself and therefore still searching where he fits with his soul mate Bethany is not a problem either, as it still can be useful to some people witnessing his journey (and actually, he has an audience). If he is not a 50/50 bisexual, it is not a problem either, as “bisexuality” is an umbrella term for various nuances of bisexuality. Each will take what they want from his messages. It is not as if he was spreading the hate everywhere…
As to the terms and subtleties of being queer, not everyone can grasp that someone can identify as a queer lesbian such as Bethany, but still being in love with a man (and THIS man only), while being in polyamorous relationships with women.
The world is full of people we do not expect to find, who are at different stages of their journey, and it is perfectly fine like that. You just happen to have issues with non-binary logic, while claiming the opposite.
Donston
The only thing you seem to care about is this “non-binary” stuff. I understand that, for whatever reasons, it’s an important agenda for you. I support people expressing who they are. I respect every relationship. And I respect people’s senses of self. But ultimately, this type of “queerness” will simply never be comparable to trans people nor is it comparable to people who actually have passion, desire and committal instincts towards the same gender or trans people. And I say this as someone with sexual and gender fludity. It’s just not comparable stuff. That’s something we need to be okay with acknowledging.
As far as Nico himself goes, I’ve met many bi-identifying people and a couple non-binary people who find this guy, many of his quotes and his general tactics problematic. I’ve already stated my exact issues with this dude thoroughly and it has almost nothing to do with your statement. But it seems you’ve mostly chosen to ignore all that stuff to simply support your personal agenda. I get pushing your cause. But you can’t blindly support anyone who attaches themselves to it and anything they say or do. It actually undermines that cause and just makes you come off as a biased extremist.
And yes, I am redundant. But so is Nico.
Donston
And this will be my last statement concerning this article and hopefully my last statement concerning Nico period: I’m tired of “proud queers” talking about everything under the sun except internalized homophobia, hetero worship, self-misandry, self-misygony, depression, general mental health, past trauma, the actual dimensions of their sexuality, gender and romantic and sexual instincts and satisafaction (rather than speaking about these things in the most abstract and/or vague of ways). I’m also tired of people using labels and lifestyle to cover up other things that are going on rather than to truly “reveal” themselves. I’m not entirely accusing Nico or yourself of doing this. But I get the sense that a lot of people do this. And if we’re going to legitimately get to a place of understanding and embracing one another it needs to stop. At the very least, Nico has not helped in clearing up the conversation. He’s just muddled it and has seemingly done that on purpose while basking in attention and social media affirmation.
Sam6969
If I ever have an agenda, it is respecting people’s diversity and vulnerability in their personal journey. Before writing the above comment, I read all your previous comments in the 12 other articles and what you say next is emblematic of our disagreement on the subject: you say, on one hand:
“I support people expressing who they are. I respect every relationship. And I respect people’s senses of self”
and on the other hand:
“But ultimately, this type of “queerness” will simply never be comparable to trans people nor is it comparable to people who actually have passion, desire and committal instincts towards the same gender or trans people. […]It’s just not comparable stuff.”
I do not see why we should make a hierarchy between people and different kinds of (love) relationships. What gives us the right to judge, which LOVE relationship is better than another? On what grounds? Criteria are subjective, they are not universal truths. As I wrote to you in another thread, based on those criteria, the best for you would be you having a relationship with a woman, as everything would be perfectly aligned (sexually, emotionally, etc.). Yet, you happen to be exclusively gay (like me), so you make the most of your same-sex relationship and you can still experience love and happiness, even if things are not the best they could be. The same thing applies to Nico Tortorella in a polyamourous relationship. He and his wife find completeness and satisfaction in opening their heart to several people. I am not even sure that, according to your criteria, they do not have a better type of relationship, more satisfying and fulfilling than with a single other person.
You think they are not genuine and useless to LGBTQ, but it is pure speculation of yours. What you see as (self) deceitfulness and exlusive media whoring, I see it as self exploration and desire to open people’s hearts and minds. What you see as people not exposing enough their trauma (actually they do in some articles) and being shallow, I see it as people focusing on love and positivity, which is a therapy in itself. It is great if there are people talking a lot about personal LGBTQ trauma, but it is fine to have people not dwelling too much on it, as well.
Once again, you are looking for perfect people, able to dissect publicly LGBTQ psychological issues (including their own), address social issues and how to heal from them, etc. but you ask too much from people, who are just spreading confidence and love, by just being.
PS: you still need to tell us what is “hetero-worshipping” and what it encompasses exactly, because it is not very clear.
Donston
First, I’m not “strictly” gay. I have had a couple of substantial relationships with women that were fulfilling in their own ways (I have a son with an ex). I had a very brief fling with a trans woman. And I had another minor relationship with a woman during the near half year my husband and I were separated. (Ultimately, romantically, sexually and emotionally I can only be anywhere near satisfied with a man and am comfortable with that). I took psychology and queer and sexuality courses. There’s nothing Nico has said that’s not the most basic of basic cliches or is just plain nonscensical. He’s really not offering anyone any insight who isn’t the most ignorant.
I respect people’s diversity and encourage people to be legitimately honest with their self-truths. But I am also willing to question and call things out rather than just placate and gloss over problematic statements. (To be honest more than a few of your posts have had a whiff of bitterness towards gay men. But I may be off on that). I’m also not trying to see the “queer movement” become dominated by cis people who mostly have hetero relationships, and we are getting closer and closer to that place. As I said, his thing is a different thing. It just is, especially from a sociological standpoint. While most people, no matter their lifestyle or identities, are not 100% thoroughly gay or straight. And many people have some dimension within sense of gender. So, Nico’s not special. Yet, he’s desperate to present himself as such. He literally and un-ironically referred to himself as “the future man”. You can’t get more pompous and ridiculous than that. Instead of using his platform as an opportunity to educate people he’s used it only display how “unique” he is. He’s actually the one who doesn’t seem to respect other people’s senses of self and lifestyles and seems resentful towards gay men and maybe all men. He’s said too many problematic things concerning gender, sexuality and race and never gave any real insight into those things. I just cannot gloss over that for the sake of agenda.
Love is love. Yes. Now, it’s time to move on with it. There’s no need to go on a 2 + year “queer tour”. There’s no need to be so desperate to appeal to unabashedly gay and gay-leaning people. There’s no need to constantly seek everyone’s permission and acceptance. There’s no need to keep whining about “haters”. Most folks just want him and his wife to stop desperately trying to sell themselves to gay people, stop using gay media to constantly promote their image and relationship and stop constantly acting like lgbtq victims. Just live your life. He’s obsessed with receiving everyone’s attention, approval, affirmation and love. The vague and pretentious and sometimes problematic interviews and the whining have been non-stop for many, many months. All it does is highlight desperation and hint towards insecurity. Isn’t he suppsed to be an actor or something? It might be time to re-focus on his career instead.
As far as hetero-worshipping goes, it pretty means being a gay or gay-leaning (and sometimes a trans person) who constantly looks to have sex and/or relationships with individuals you preceive to be straight or “mostly straight”, not ever being truly satisfied with someone who is also gay, looking down on same-sex couples/not seeing them as equal to opposite gender relationships, constantly looking for affirmation from straight or straight-leaning people, etc.
Donston
I’ll end it with this. And this has almost nothing to do with Nico.
It’s very telling and kinda distrubing that someone like Nico is obsessed with making a spectacle out of their sense of self and their relationship and the gay media continues to eat it up, while most working actors who are legitimately gay or gay-leaning (even the ones who are out) stay lowkey, stay seemingly uncomfortable talking about their sense of self and aren’t interested in talking about their significant others, even when they’ve been with the same person for years. Beyond how problematic Nico is in and of himself, it’s also puts a light on how persistent gay shame, internalized homophobia and general fear still are, especially in the entertainment industry. Not that anyone should be selling themselves and their personal lives as hard as Nico does.
Sam6969
The point is that you went from living and labeling yourself as a straight-dominant man, to simply “bi”, to homo-dominant, just about three years ago (see your quotes, below). It means you were still an adult in a process of defining and searching yourself, about three years ago. You hate incertitude and now that you found a ground and a label to stick on it, you think there is a deadline for all adults to discover themselves and they should be as sure as you are now; but remember you own story for god’s sake! For some, it takes more time to find who they are and it is not because it is slower and not self-revealing in the way you expect them to be that the Work is not done, they are not genuine and they are useless for others. I also believe our whole life continues to be, at a level or another, self-exploration. You may need to be more tolerant with yourself and certainly with others.
“Up until I was 23 I had sex and relationships with primarily women (I can recall only a couple of sexual instances with men).” Source: https://www.queerty.com/record-nico-tortorella-bisexual-not-sexually-fluid-20161128
“Despite identifying as bi for the past ten years (though I’ve been going with homo-dominant over the past three years, and that’s the “label” I’ll stick with) I haven’t experienced any of this supposed “bi-phobia” many speak of.” Source: https://www.queerty.com/nico-tortorella-says-flack-get-bisexual-comes-lgbt-people-20170726
You have the tendency to take your experience as a golden standard and think that everyone else should raise to it. It leads to unrealistic expectations on people, because you do not take into account all the factors that make their situation specific or unique.
On one side, you write about Nico: “Most folks just want him and his wife to stop […] constantly acting like lgbtq victims”, but on the other hand, you write: “I’m tired of “proud queers” talking about everything under the sun except internalized homophobia, hetero worship, self-misandry, self-misygony, depression, general mental health, past trauma […]” In other words, you want them to talk about LGBTQ problems.
So, they must not be victims, but they still have to pour out their inner turmoil to be real, in your eyes, and they have to talk about LGBTQ inner issues, as well.
Plus, there are too few confident LGBTQ in the media, but you do not want to see the polyamorous couple Nico and Bethany.
They are exposing themselves too much in the media, but they do not show enough of themselves in the media.
You are never satisfied. Sure, LGBTQ people in display could always be more perfect and advanced examples.
Again, the point is that you judge people according to your standards and not envisage them according to the standards of their (young) audience. Of course, if you do not learn anything from them, then it must be so for ALL other people, mustn’t it? Plus, the message they send must necessarily be intellectually explicit, not artistic and symbolic, right? And spreading love and confidence is so overrated and boring, isn’t it?
Honestly, I still do not understand why your opinion should be more legitimate than others and why we should ban Nico from LGBTQ media. It seems rather dictatorial to me, but you certainly know better, since you are so advanced. As I have already suggested to you, it would be great to have someone like you show us, by the example, in the media what is a self-revealing, balanced and socially awakening homo-dominant person (/ couple). I would support you completely and be your “fan girl” 😉
More seriously, I support people, who express themselves, are self-revealing in their own ways (whatever their ways, as they are too rare in the media) and are useful to, at least, a part of the LGBTQ community. To me, Nico and Bethany are just another example in a wide diversity of possibilities. I do not expect them to respond to everyone’s expectations.I value angles and insights, either intellectual, emotional or symbolical that can help (younger) people on their journey and contribute particularly to bring them confidence and a sense of normalcy.
Donston
I actually have said multiple times over the past year on this site (and in my life in general) that I’ve learned a lot about myself and others recently and I said here that I have regretted some of the comments I’ve made on this site. I’ve had to go through my own journey of self-understanding. And it’s a journey that never ends. That’s part of the reason I find Nico problematic. Too many of his quotes and too much of his behavior have hinted that what’s genuinely driving his behavior is not about educating people. There’s too much of a whiff of alternative motives. Once again, the general message is fine (if muddled). The messager is the problem. And we can’t just keep ignoring that because we like the message. He has said some offensive, ignorant and just nonscensical things, has never confronted those things and yet keeps expecting everyone to adore him.
Ultimately, I just think he made the mistake of identifying as all these different things when he didn’t really want to. (And if you look back at his very early quotes that’s obvious). He was just looking to be embraced by the “queer community” and gay media. But now he’s stuck whining and offering endlessly vague, pretentious doublespeak because he feels he can’t be legit straightforward. He doesn’t want to move on and let it go because he still craves the attention and affirmation. But he doesn’t have anything left to offer. This particular couple coulda been like a real-life Paul L’Astnamé and Jenna Marony. But instead, they have been just been too self-serious, have had too much of a victim mentality (literally every other day they’re complaining on social media) and have just been overall too narcissistic and self-focused to connect with anyone who’s not already interested in hearing their preaching. Once again, if you’re going to continue to talk ad-nauseum about your sense of self and your “cis gender queer relationship” and your lifestyle and continue to sell your sense of self and your “queer relationship” to the “queer media” and the media in general at the very least you need to be more legitimately insightful and straightforward and not just spew cliches galore. Otherwise, the unrelenting nature just comes off as somewhat deceptive and like your desperate for attention and affirmation.
My desire is to see the “queer movement” move away from romanticism, sentimentality, social affirmation, identity obsession and the sensational and into an era of genuine straight-talk. (It’s actually somewhat getting their on sites not like this). That is why I would never truly connect to this type of stuff. It often just leads to people spending years avoiding their actual problems and struggles. And I’ve seen the results myself as well as experienced it myself. But I do overall understand where you’re coming from and understand why some do indeed need such a message.
Donston
And yes, I’m still of the belief that unless you actually have genuine passion towards and romantic satisfaction with someone beyond one gender walking around talking about “bi pride” is tacky. That’s a pretty permanant stance of mine.
Sam6969
I think you overthink things, sketch people into theoretical characters and give too much importance to inner inconsistencies to the resulting theoretical model. It’s why I said you should be more tolerant of inoffensive people stumbling on their journey, as it happened to you before in your own specific ways.
At the end of the day, aside from involuntarily questioning your intolerance, contradictions and certitudes about everything, Nico and Bethany are not useful for you, while going on their own path of self development they might also be useful for others. Do not forget OTHERS…okay? 😉
Relax, Donston, and have a good evening and week-end 🙂
Cheers! 🙂
Donston
Yeah, I pretty much stand by my summation: acceptance and tolerance is great but actual honest conversation is also important if not more so. And it’s certainly more important than using a collection of cliches to brand yourself and to constantly sell yourself. That type of “progress” is an illusion. And there’s zero intolerance coming from me. I don’t know this man. I don’t hate him. And he doesn’t need my permission to live his life. I’ve simply highlighted all the problematic things he’s said and done and how it’s connected to whatever animosity or indifference he feels from the “queer community”. That doesn’t equate to “intolerance”.
Honestly, your post about admiring him because he doesn’t see cis gender pretty much exposed your perspective. The man said he’ll never have a legit relationship with a non cis women, which is the polar opposite of “not seeing cis gender”. You’ve created this fantasy of a person. You’ve put him on some pedestal and have decisively decided to avoid all the problematic and kookoo stuff, probably because you wish you could be like him or like whatever version of him you have in your head. And beyond non cis gender and bisexual focused articles I haven’t seen you post anything here. Despite being a supposed gay man you seem very indifferent, at the very least, to unabashedly gay and gay-living people.
But yeah, have a great weekend.
Kevan1
Nick my dear boy. I have no issue with you being open to both sexes or more, Not that you will care, but I never viewed you on your show “Younger” as really being all that straight or being only with females. I from day one assumed you might be bisexual, but not totally straight on TV and otherwise. That being said, I am happy for you no matter who you choose to share your life with.
CityguyUSA
How many new contortions of men and women in relationships can we possibly have or is this the new way of trying to remain relevant in a business where one once had a career for life and now doesn’t last past the initial fanfare and they do their first underwear scene?