This pains us. Really, it does. The video that we are bringing to you (after the jump) contains disturbing images of a disgusting sloth making out with his dog and farting on camera.

Seems Perez Hilton had a little too much champagne at last night's VMAs and felt the urge to ramble about his thoughts. Also, he got a little too excited about Jordin Sparks and lets out a gas explosion.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why you shouldn't drink and vlog.

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Perez Hilton's found himself in a bit of a legal pickle.

Former reader - and presumed fan - Diane Wargo has filed a $25 million lawsuit against the blogger. Wargo claims that Hilton violated his own privacy agreement after he posted a curse-laden email she sent from her work information.

By printing her email, Wargo says, Hilton set off a firestorm of hateful emails from his many readers. The suit also alleges that she, her husband and children all received death threats following the email's publication. Wargo's employers, Menorah Park Center for Senior Living, subsequently fired Wargo for the email, which read, in part: "Perez you are a fat gay pig. Angelina is a [sic] ugly whore. You love her because she's a fag lover." Sounds like a classy lady.

What's interesting, we think, is that the press release from Wargo's lawyer defends her language. And, in fact, blames it on Hilton himself!

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We’ve known for years that we hate Perez Hilton, and it’s quite obvious that Perez Hiton hates Perez Hilton, but who knew that Perez Hilton’s readers also hate Perez Hilton?

After the jump, some fan reactions to the news that the Gossip Gangster is the subject of an upcoming musical.

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Jesse Metcalfe doesn't have a very big funny bone.

The soon-to-be washed up actor went a bit mad after blogger Perez Hilton joked about his potential homosexuality.

…Hilton was left in a panic when Metcalfe threatened to murder him - after he "joked" the actor was gay.
…
Hilton was unnerved when Desperate Housewives hunk Metcalfe took speculation over his sexuality seriously.

[Says Hilton] "That was quite negative energy. He was drunk and said he wanted me dead. I was quite shocked. I'd only joked that he might be gay, what's the big deal?"

Perhaps Metcalfe's simply trying to emulate his new butch image. Or maybe Hilton hit a nerve…

Remember last week, when we babbled about our big gay night out and mentioned ditching our TrimWater, which we received in the Fashion Cares gift bag? No? Here's what we wrote: "…We did get a gift bag, which was clearly suited for our media credentials: shampoo, a gym membership and something called 'TrimWater,' which we were too scared to even carry."

Well, TrimWater's publicist came across our little blurb and wrote us the following note:

I saw that you found the TrimWater in your gift bags – but don’t be scared!

It's actually a great tasting low-cal, low-sugar flavored water.

Chris Wile of the Fashion Cares board told me at the event that he was chugging it as they prepped for the evening and it helped him skip dinner! Also, Christian Siriano and Carson Kressly [sic] loved it and we recently sent some product to Perez Hilton at his own request!

On top of that, 10% of all online TrimWater purchases through the summer go directly to Fashion Cares.

I attached a press release and a picture of Christian in all his fabulous glory.

So give it a try, don’t be afraid and get ready to fit into some new leather pants for next year’s event…..

Oh, unnamed publicist, there are so many things wrong with this missive.

First and foremost, we do not aspire to be like Perez Hilton or Carson Kressley. On the contrary. Second, we don't wear leather pants. They're tacky. And, on a related note, we don't need to lose weight. We just need fatter friends.

Read the aforementioned - and outdated - press release, after the jump…

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No joke - Perez Hilton passed a lie detector test and proved his many claims about John Mayer, like that they kissed as Jessica Simpson rubbed Mayer's crotch. Here's a sample of the results. Emphasis added:.

Did you kiss John Mayer on the mouth? YES (True)
Did you use your tongue? YES (True)
Did John Mayer use his tongue? YES (True)
…
Was Jessica Simpson rubbing John Mayer's crotch as you were making out? YES (True)
Do you think John enjoyed the kiss? YES (True)
Is John a good kisser? YES (True)
Are you speaking out to get publicity? NO (False)

The ugly truth, indeed.

John Mayer fans may be thrilled to hear that the singer kissed a boy. The rest of us are horrified to hear it was Perez Hilton, who declares Mayer "bisexual:"

He is definitely bi," Hilton declared on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show, adding that Mayer is "struggling with his sexuality."

Of their liplock at NYC club Stereo last year, Hilton said, "He kissed me, and I kissed him back. It was on the mouth with tongue.

"I thought he was messing with me," Hilton went on. "Then he kept going and going."

Some people are wondering whether Perez and Mayer are playing for Ashton Kutcher's team, Pop Fiction. That sounds likely, because we totally don't believe Mayer's bisexual. He's very clearly gay.

What a tangled World Wide Web, huh?

As you all heard this morning, Perez Hilton and fellow blogger JJ Jaxson had a series of conversation in which Hilton goaded Jaxson into making and distributing a self-promoting sex tape.

We don't have any video, but we do have the transcripts of four conversations between the boys, some of which contain a few NSFW pics - and very lewd, unflattering language. The gents talk cock, Chris Crocker, meeting up, how to send an anonymous tip - all sorts of stuff.

Enjoy second-hand infamy, after the jump…

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Christ, it is far too early for this shit!

NY Post reports that the hideously famous Perez Hilton promised fellow "journo" Jonathan Jaxson publicity in exchange for a sex tape.

Despite - or perhaps because of - his past as a publicist, Jaxson agreed. Fool. Jaxson may get the last laugh, though, because now he's milking the story for all it's worth!

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