Ah, 30.
You never thought it would happen, did you? Then one day you wake up and–Surprise!–you’re a trentagenarian. Even though you don’t feel like one. And even though 30 is the new 20, right? Right?
Contrary to what our youth-obsessed culture claims, turning the big 3-0 is actually pretty awesome. You’ve survived your insecure 20s. You’re finally a real adult. People take you more seriously. And those who don’t, well, they can go to hell. You don’t have time to worry about them anymore. You’re 30.
You have money in the bank. Your know your strengths. And your weaknesses. That awful roommate you lived with for three and a half years? He’s out the picture. So are all the losers you dated. You no longer have to help your friends move, or sport the latest designer gadget, or feel guilty for staying in on a Friday night. “I’m 30,” you can say. And it’s a perfectly valid excuse.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Scroll down for 30 things every gay man must do before entering his third decade in life. And add more suggestions in the comments section below…
30. Make friends with someone you haven’t slept with
Any gay guy who says he hasn’t hooked up with at least 50 percent of his male friends is either lying or exhibits amazing self-control. Many a lifelong friendships between gay men were born of casual sex. But by the time you’re 30, you should have at least one close gay friend who you have not touched below the waist.
29. Get over the ex who hurt you
He screwed you over. That sucks. Move on. (He has.)
28. Watch the movie Showgirls
A screening of the 1995 cult classic starring Elizabeth Berkley is a rite of passage every modern gay man must go through. You have not fully lived until you’ve witnessed Jessie Spano lick a stripper pole, make out with Gina Gershon, then call her a bitch, and hump Kyle MacLachlan salmon-style in a swimming pool.
27. Clear out your closet
Turning 30 is a great time to purge your wardrobe. Kiss the jeans you wore in college goodbye, not just because they no longer fit, but because nobody wears True Religions anymore. The graphic T’s also need to go. And if the words “Abercrombie & Fitch” or “American Eagle” appear anywhere on an item, please see that it is swiftly discarded, unless you can find a way to wear them with a certain irony.
26. Evaluate your safe-sex practices
Just like getting your car tuned-up every 30,000, turning 30 is a good time to do a quick evaluation of your safe-sex practices. Have you been tested for HIV recently? (Lots of guys who are HIV-positive go years without knowing they’re infected.) What about getting screened for other STDs? (Things can be lingering in your body that you don’t know about.) Have you considered going on Truvada? (Even if you decide not to take the drug, it’s something to at least think about now that it’s available.)
25. Quit smoking, like, for real this time
Honestly, you should have already done this by now, but just in case you’re still sucking away on those nasty cancer sticks, even if only on what you call an “occasion,” it’s time to kick that dirty habit to the curb. Smoking causes premature aging which, if you haven’t noticed yet, is already happening at an alarming rate without any assistance from Philip Morris.
24. Learn how to hold your alcohol
While we’re on the topic of chemical substances, learning how to hold your alcohol is another skill you should have developed by now. Blacking out and/or puking from too much booze is never cute. But it’s especially not cute when you’re 10 years away from being 40. Helpful hint: No more than one beverage every two hours, alternating with a tall glass of water.
23. Stop drunk texting your FBs
This goes hand-in-hand with learning how to hold your alcohol. Drunk dialing (or texting) your friends at 2 a.m. when they have to be at work the next day is rude and obnoxious. Nobody wants to be awoken by their alcoholic friend when they have an 8:30 conference call in the morning. Not even if that friend is you. (Of course, there is a weekend and/or holiday exception to this rule. Since, from our experience, drunk texting on a Saturday night can still lead to some very fun experiences that you otherwise might not have experienced sober. You may be 30, but you’re not dead.)
22. See Cher in concert
She’s pushing 70.
21. Cut the drama
Life doesn’t have to be one big soap opera. Learn how to pick and choose your battles. Taking offense at every little thing or demanding political correctness from everyone at all times is not only futile, but it will give you wrinkles and turn your hair grey, which are both real threats now that you’re halfway up the hill.
20. Date an older guy
And by “older” we mean at least a decade or two. Let him wine and dine you before taking you back to his fabulous penthouse apartment and showing you a thing or five. A lot can be learned from a fella who’s been around the block. Not to mention, intergenerational sex can be totally hot. Even if you are not all that into it at first. Not to mention, the good Karma may benefit you when you reach your dotage.
19. Register to vote — and actually cast your ballot
Hopefully you did this years ago, but just in case you forgot, it’s time to get with the program. Now that you’ve successfully survived your 20s, there’s really no excuse for no longer paying attention to what’s going on in the world around you. Monica Lewinsky’s ex-boyfriend’s wife will be running for President in 2016 and she’s counting on your vote.
18. Pay down your credit card debt
That obnoxious $3,500 (read: $35,000) that’s been hovering on your Visa bill for the past few years isn’t going to disappear by simply making the minimum payment. It’s time to start actually paying for all those dinners and drinks you couldn’t afford in your 20s.
17. Learn how to cook
Eating at restaurants is expensive — and not all that great for your health. And you’re never going to pay down that credit card debt if you keep blowing your paychecks on fine dining. Learning how to cook a few basic meals at home won’t just save you money, but it’s a great way to impress that guy you’ve been seeing. After all, everyone loves a man who knows his way around the kitchen, especially when it’s next to the bedroom.
16. Stay at a clothing-optional resort
Everyone should experience the thrill of walking around the grounds of a hotel completely naked at least once in their life. Consider spending your 30th birthday in your birthday suit by booking a suite at a luxurious, clothing-optional resort.
15. Open a retirement account
Remember when you had just turned 20 and 30 seemed like a lifetime away? Well, the same applies to retirement. 65 is only 35 years from now. So start saving. Even if it’s just $100 or $200 a month at first, you’ll be glad you did when you wake up tomorrow and realize that you’re your father’s age.
It’s known as the miracle of compound interest. Google it.
14. Get rid of all your crap from IKEA
Rickety furniture made from particle board belongs in dorm rooms and the dumps of recent college grads. If your entire home is still furnished exclusively by IKEA, consider investing in something new. One of the perks to being a trentagenarian is that you can (hopefully) now afford a nice dining room set that doesn’t require any assembly.
13. Date someone who’s not your type
Do you only hook up with guys who are taller than you? Do you only have eyes for Latino men? Do you refuse to date anyone who isn’t a Democrat? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you’re missing out. The world is filled with tons of sexy and interesting men who may not meet every strict qualification you demand in a lover, but who are still worth getting to know. Try putting aside your preconceived notions just once and grabbing a drink with someone you wouldn’t typically meet up with.
12. Read Gore Vidal’s The City and the Pillar
Seriously, if you haven’t read this book, do. First published in 1948, it’s a coming-of-age tale about a young man and his relationship with his best friend that still rings very true today. It’s a must-read classic in gay literature.
11. Accept that some people are just assholes and nothing will ever change that
So stop getting so fired up about everything. The sooner you do, the happier you’ll be.
10. Explore a sexual fetish
Whether it’s some light S&M, role playing, or having a threesome, trying something different in the bedroom is not only fun, but you may find an exciting new activity that you can now pursue for the next decade or five.
9. Stop saying “I hate kids”
If you don’t like kids, don’t have them. But declaring your animus towards an innocent minority group that has done absolutely nothing to you (other than exist in the same world) makes you seem like a real asshole. And anyway, it’s probably not the kids you hate. It’s their parents.
At the same time, stop referring to guys over 40 as “old trolls” on your Grindr profile. Not just because it makes you seem like an arrogant little bitch, but because — brace yourself — there are 20-year-olds saying the same thing about you.
Hurts, doesn’t it?
8. Gain some selfie-control
Unabashed narcissism is excusable when you’re still in your 20s. But the time you’ve reached your third decade it stops being charming. Surely you have enough pictures of yourself by now.
7. Indulge in luxurious bedding
Time to trash those cheap Target sheets. 200-thread count is no longer acceptable. Invest in a set of sheets and pillows that are truly heavenly. Now that you’re getting up there in age, you need your beauty sleep. So make it comfortable. Make it luxurious. You’re worth it.
6. Have coffee with an ex-boyfriend
And by “have coffee” we mean actually have coffee, not hookup together. There’s something kinda cool about catching up with an ex after it’s been a few years. And at 30, you no doubt have plenty of exes, as well as plenty of years, to make this happen.
5. Quit comparing yourself to others
It may seem like your peers have more of their shit together, but there’s a very likely chance they feel the same way towards you. So stop comparing yourself to them. And stop beating up yourself for not being exactly where you hoped you’d be by now. You’ll get there eventually. And if you don’t, you’ll figure something else out, and it will be equally, maybe even more, satisfying.
4. Wear sunscreen, even on your butt
And not just when you go to the beach. Find a facial moisturizer with SPF and wear it every single day. Your 40-year-old self will thank you.
3. Stop complaining about the things everyone else deals with, too
Nobody likes paying their student loan bill, or going to work on Monday, or getting their driver’s license renewed. But they do it, and usually without complaint, because it’s part of being a grown-up. If you still find yourself posting statements like “UGH! I think I’m getting sick! This is not what I need right now!” or “Work sucks!!! Why can’t it just be the weekend???” to your Facebook profile, ask yourself: What do you hope to accomplish by sharing these petty grievances with your entire social network? Other than dragging everyone else down into your misery, that is.
2. Bottom… At least once
If you’re hitting your third decade in life and you’ve still never tried it, either because you’re scared, it doesn’t interest you, or you suffer from what is commonly referred to as “anal shame,” it’s time to face your fears and give it a good, old-fashioned college try. Who knows? You might enjoy it. And if you don’t, you never have to do it again. At least not until you turn 40.
1. Stop freaking out about being 30
It’s just an even number. It’s really not that big of a deal.
Related stories:
40 Things Every Gay Man Should Do Before Turning 40
Growing Up Gay: 21 Things To Do Before You Turn 21
If You’re Over 40 You Should Stay Out Of Gay Bars, Says Ageist Blogger
Graham Gremore is a columnist and contributor for Queerty and Life of the Law. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
hyhybt
Twice in here, you refer to turning 30 as the beginning of your third decade of life. Your 30th birthday means you’ve FINISHED three decades; you’re beginning your *fourth.*
RainboWarrioR
30. Im engaged and didnt do much sex before that point so thats easy.
29. never had an ex. first relationship worked for me
28. i think i can pass……………..
27. ill wear what i damn well feel like thank you
26. my fiance was a virgin before me and i know im clean and i dont believe in being with more than one guy so no worries. but true for everyone else
25. never smoked
24. dont drink
23. dont text and again dont drink
22. you know not every gay guy likes Cher…………in fact id kill to see KISS but ill give her a try anyway
21. drama is kinda hard when it follows you around what with a bigoted family and living in the south.
20. no thanks im fine as i am
19. always do
18. dont believe in having a credit card in the first place
17. ok THIS one i need to do
16. some things arent for everyone
15. good idea until the repukes find some way to tax that too
14. some of us like IKEA….and i do believe they are an advocate last time i checked so show some respect
13. trust me my fiance wasnt my type so thats accomplished but it worked out
12. will have to do
11. did that a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago
10. im a sub
9. i dont hate kids im just not interested in them
8. i dont take selfies
7. sure how much money you going to give me?
6. again never had an ex
5. thats always hard to not do
4. not very many beaches in Skyrim (ie i dont go out much)
3. when youve got a legitimate complaint youve got a legitimate complaint
2. im a bottom
1. dont care about being 30 its the big 4 0 i worry about
Bryguyf69
You left out “get a job” (or better yet, a career) — which is a prerequisite for many of these other activities. You also left out masturbate — which can be a substitute for many of those other activities, i.e. openhttp://www.queerty.com/queertys-comment-policy/ing a retirement account.
Bryguyf69
You left out “get a job” (or better yet, a career) — which is a prerequisite for many of these other activities. You also left out masturbate — which can be a substitute for many of those other activities, i.e. opening a retirement account.
BBellairs
#20, so come on guys in your 30’s, I’m in my 50’s, so where are you? I’m more than willing to teach you a few things. So is my husband (see #10)!
1EqualityUSA
Get a degree in two or three different paths, read books, and be creative in whatever way you shine. Being boring is worse than aging physical attributes. Also, as Maya Angelou would say, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
enlightenone
#2 Why? At 30 even 20, for god sake, a person knows they have NO desire “to bottom.” Desire comes before behavior if you have a healthy brain. Just dumb!
#10 Again, you are already doing what you desire. Sex isn’t a job (unless you choice to be a sex worker (incl. porn) that at the very least allows you to pay your bills!
Way before 30 and certainly beginning by 18/21, you do whatever you want to do AFTER considering those who will be affected. Just don’t rationalize it because you sound like a kid caught in the cookie jar!
hyhybt
@Bryguyf69: You know a lot of people 30+ years old who’ve never masturbated or had a job?
@enlightenone: “Desire comes before behavior”– far from always. For a non-sexual example, I never thought I’d like Chinese food until one day someone absolutely insisted I try some.
wpewen
Get a middle aged boyfriend who is really a Daddy-and gives you some guidance. Hopefully he will not live in SF. Join the real world. Talk to men who made it past the narcissistic play acting of young gay men. Learn how to interact with straight guys unless you plan to stay on Castro forever. That’s what I did and I’m 56.
PerryBrass
This was not nearly as Queerty stupid as I thought it was going to be—a lot of the world-famous Queerty lists are. I liked “Read Gore Vidal’s ‘The City and the Pillar.'” But why not also read Christopher Isherwood’s “A Single Man,” Thomas Mann’s “Death in Venice,” and Christopher Bram’s “Father of Frankenstein,” too? Also, why worry about bottoming, topping, or anything: once you get excited enough, that is you allow yourself to get THAT turned on, you won’t care. Now that’s something to look forward to in your 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or whatever comes next, because I can guarantee you it hasn’t happened yet. Because if it did, you wouldn’t even be reading this, you’d be out doing it.
Maude
It’s never too late, and,
I did all those things, and I’m still doing many of them..and given the chance, I’d start sooner, and do all of them all over again.
Desert Boy
21. Cut the drama
Very wise. I’m 29 years old and if I’ve learned anything it’s a not to sweat the small stuff. It’s a waste of time and energy.
Desert Boy
@1EqualityUSA: Good point. When I ask someone I just met, “so, what are you reading?” and they stare blankly and say they don’t read books but, they can name all the Kardashian tramps, I know there’s no future.
hyhybt
@Desert Boy: i’d have a terrible time answering that question, and couldn’t pick a Kardashian out of a lineup. I’ve got a Discworld book in my phone I’m in the middle of, but haven’t been reading in lately for being busy with other things. And I go through audiobooks in the car and when doing chores that don’t involve noise or thought, but after finishing one, I catch up on podcasts before starting the next, so right now I don’t even remember the name of the next one up; all I can say for sure is the last one was a collection of Agatha Christie short stories.
(TV isn’t much more current; I’m only now watching or just finished Columbo, Frasier, and How I Met Your Mother, and finally got around to seeing October Sky, which turned out to be pretty good.)
Bryguyf69
@hyhybt: Hah. I wanted to write “Get a STEADY job (or better yet, a career” but Queerty doesn’t allow me to edit. So yes, I know people over 30 who have yet to find their professional niche, and are jumping from job to job, field to field. Living in NYC, a lot of these acquaintances are actors and dancers who won’t admit that they’ll probably never make a steady living in their chosen profession. Dancers are especially tragic, since physicality is key and there really aren’t any roles for older dancers. And of course, this is relevant to Queerty because gays tend to gravitate toward those fields.
As for masturbation … I’ll tell you from personal experience when I hit 30. 🙂 My own story aside, yes, I do know people who CLAIM not to masturbate. And even a few who claim to have never masturbated (grad research in sexuality exposed me to sexual extremes). This is especially true of women, but this blog focuses on gay men.
hyhybt
@Bryguyf69: Interesting. Well… to each their own. Or not, if they prefer 🙂
Cagnazzo82
@Desert Boy: I’m reading comic books and gay erotic fiction… also photoshop/editing books and programming books.
I would give you the blank stare if you asked me ‘what am I reading’ seeing as some of those things I don’t admit to publicly 🙂
Desert Boy
@Cagnazzo82: You’re embarrassed or ashamed to say you read gay, erotic fiction? How come?
Desert Boy
@hyhybt: You sound very interesting and well rounded.
hyhybt
@Desert Boy: Thanks much. Now if I were just less round…
Bryguyf69
re: Bottoming, I have to admit that it’s not something I’ve ever considered. The medical joke around the office is that I’m don’t like invasive procedures (yes, we do talk about such things since I work in HIV). My gay friends and patients have tried to describe the sensation, and my girlfriend says “to imagine a really good bowel movement.” I had to remind her that she doesn’t have a prostate. None of the descriptions seem all that appealing, and from what I understand, there’s a lot of hygienic preparation beforehand. Seems like too much trouble. A good old fashion orgasm is good enough for me. I don’t even get the point of straight men anally topping (since a vagina is available), although it’s obviously more essential for gay men. For what it’s worth, I received an “anal exploration” kit (as a gag gift?) last birthday so if I ever get adventurous — or bored — Nirvana is just a few AA batteries away,
Before anyone accuses me of being an analphobe, I do preach anal pleasure. I just don’t practice it. I include rectal fingering and the perineal caresses when I teach masturbation workshops. I also teach sphinctal relaxation techniques, etc.
And wassup with rimming???? Heck, all that chewing looks positively painful. 🙂
Sammy Schlipshit
@Bryguyf69:
Why, when I was a baby gay boy I just assumed that receiving anal was just part of the package.
Of course, I also thought all homosexuals grew up to be effeminate, sissy, silly drag queens. These days I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with that but in those days that was the only visible role model.
I taught myself the fantastic pleasures of prostate glory.
Started slowly and well lubed, of course.
Once I was able to relax my sphincter muscle at will, I soon discovered prostate massage….and then the big time.
Both massaging and masturbating together….oh, baby.
Nirvana.
Rarely did I encounter any feces when fingering myself. In my case, the stools seem to stay farther up my colon.
Besides, it washes off.
You’ll get over the squeamish bit once you tap into what sensations the prostate is capable of producing.
Turns out that throughout my life very few wanted to top me. It was always the other way around, so to speak.
Guess I just gave off controlling daddy vibes.
Fine with me.
As a much younger man said to me way back in 1995, “You must be a top because they are the only ones still alive.”
Some truth to that.
Play safely, boys….but play all you want or can.
Desert Boy
@hyhybt: – HAHAHAHAHA!
enlightenone
@hyhybt: I chose my words carefully, please read accordingly! Did not use the word “always.” I used the word healthy, big difference. Try not to do the Fox “news” thing and take words out of context or the meaning WILL be lost. Doing something because someone “absolutely insisted” is unhealthy and controlling (potential sign of abuse)! That said, a fork full of “Chinese food” is not the same as someone “absolutely insisted” Bryguyf69 be fucked in the ass, right Bryguyf69?
hyhybt
@enlightenone: the principle is the same: people often like things they think they won’t, and vice versa for that matter.
enlightenone
@Bryguyf69: Respect and appreciate the work you do. And I love a REAL Top man!
wpewen
@Bryguyf69: Tell you what: I’m 56 and started getting it in the ass and giving it in the ass by 21. It’s great, not “girl” at all-you will really feel man when you help a guy out and take turns-totally masculine, great stuff. When gay men play I’m a top you’re a bottom I just laugh. Studs can just fuck each other.
enlightenone
“Studs can just fuck each other.” When you throw your legs up behind your head and a man fucks you, you loose your “stud” card! No big deal if you like to “bottom,” but a “stud” you are not. How about agressive vers/bottom? You don’t want to disappoint your date.
JPinNC
So in other words… Grow the F*ck up.
erikwm
Ikea does have some nice furniture. Yes, they have budget offerings, but you think people should throw out a $1500 leather sofa just because they turned 30? That’s nonsense.
erikwm
…and how ’bout just not drink alcohol? It’s not health at any age. Drinking alcohol substantially raises your risk for many types of cancer.
Mack
Definitely # 20, us older guys can still teach a lot. Give it a chance you might be surprised.
And yes, everyone should bottom at least once or even twice just in case the first time the guy didn’t know what he was doing. It won’t make you a bottom but it might open your eyes to having some fun sometimes.
stranded
I’ve got until April, some of the stuff i’ve already done, what’s left…
25. No. I will always enjoy an occasional smoke. I won’t let anyone ever make me feel bad about it. Everyone has their vice and i won’t blame anyone if anything happens to my health.
22. I like some of Cher’s music, but i have zero interest in seeing her. Pass.
20. I actually have a bit of a daddy fetish, so hell yeah!
16. I don’t mind being nude with a partner, but a resort? I read David Sedaris’ short story on his nude resort adventure. Sounds like a very eye opening experience.
13. That’s a hard one, but i should branch out and meet different types of people.
12. I’ve been meaning to and you know what, i will. I’m gonna buy it right after i post.
7. Pass. Waste of money.
5. I don’t think i’ll ever be able to do that. 🙁
4. I use to be good with it, but yeah i need to fit it into my routine while getting ready.
2. I’ve bottomed. Meh. But i don’t like the insinuation that someone who hasn’t is “anal shaming”
1. I so want to, but i can’t help it.
NoCagada
I’ve spent a lot of time in Europe and with European ADULTS and IKEA is everywhere. Why knock it? Frankly, I’d be more attracted to a guy with some fun IKEA furniture (which is NOT cheap) than some of the southern boys I’ve met with Queen Anne furniture inherited from Aunt Gertrude. They polish the crap every day and worship it every night and god forbid you lay something on it.
grero
Gore Vidal’s *The City and the Pillar* was NOT about a gay guy but rather:
“I knew that my description of the love affair between two “normal” all-American boys of the sort that I had spent three years with in the wartime army would challenge every superstition about sex in my native land… Until then, American novels of “inversion” dealt with transvestites or with lonely bookish boys who married unhappily and pined for Marines. I broke that mold. My two lovers were athletes and so drawn to the entirely masculine that, in the case of one, Jim Willard, the feminine was simply irrelevant to his passion to unite with his other half, Bob Ford: unfortunately for Jim, Bob had other sexual plans, involving women and marriage.”
Vidal believed that it was culture that made most men straight and that most men were innately bisexual.
For more about Vidal read: http://grero.com/#_Toc347564557 & http://grero.com/#_Toc347564538 for an excerpt of the novel
Blackceo
Wow…I actually clicked in this thread wondering what the f kind of tomfoolery the author was going to suggest, but I actually did a lot of those things before 30. However, (and I hate to be picky…not really) but I am never going to watch Showgirls or go to a Cher concert. Thank god I’ve never been a selfie narcissist and was never a big drinker, although watching Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder on Shonda Thursdays has me going through wine quicker than I ever have. Most of the rest of the stuff was pretty sensible.
onthemark
Good list except for #2. What planet do Queerty staffers live on where there are too many gay tops??? You guys are certainly obsessed with this non-problem. Do you keep making a try for some dude’s “cherry” ass and getting turned down, or what? And you’re now trying to turn the power of the (digital) press on him? I hope he keeps saying no! We need more dedicated TOPS!
cspins
By 30, you’ll no doubt have plenty of exes to have coffee with…
Or maybe you’ll have zero. Not one. No one to have coffee with, because you’ll have come off years of rejection, unreturned calls and texts, and sneers from men that you just aren’t good enough, there’s someone far attractive and better than you.
Maybe at 30, you accept the signs, resign yourself to the inevitable, and make a date with a bottle of pills instead. Sounds about right to me.
enlightenone
@onthemark: “I hope he keeps saying no! We need more dedicated TOPS!”
That was “onthemark!” However, I will add it’s not just Queerty Staff, but many of these commenters on this post are complicit as well! A young gay/bi man KNOWS whether or not they want to top, bottom, or both. If sometime in their sexual experiences get a curiousity/itch he will make his desires known to his partner. If he has difficulty asking for what he wants/desire that’s a separate issue!
onthemark
@enlightenone: “If he has difficulty asking for what he wants/desire that’s a separate issue!” There’s a lot going on in what you say. You remind me how, in my 20s, I had a very withdrawn & timid personality, but was cute (might sound good but it’s a very dangerous combo!), so everybody zoomed in on me to be a bottom all the time. A lot of them treated me pretty bad too. But the very FEW opportunities I had to be on top, I loved it – absolutely fvcking lo-o-o-oved it. So probably some people get stuck in certain routines that they’re not totally happy with.
I don’t completely disagree with Queerty here, sure it’s possible that a guy who’s NEVER been on the bottom in anal sex might like it if he tried it. Who knows. There’s only one way to find out? More likely though, his instincts are correct if he just doesn’t want to. Or – try it with a dildo, in private, that might be enough of an experiment? Seems to me Queerty is over-thinking this one.
@cspins: Aw. I wish I could give you a hug!
enlightenone
“There’s a lot going on in what you say. You remind me how, in my 20s, I had a very withdrawn & timid personality, but was cute (might sound good but it’s a very dangerous combo!), so everybody zoomed in on me to be a bottom all the time.”
There is plenty to assess in what I said, and I appreciate you sharing a part of your sexual history! What you said is just the tip of the iceberg for many gay men who came of age in the 60’s, 70’s and the early 80’s. We didn’t have the “normal” exposure and guidance, let alone education on our sexuality. What we did get was the heterosexual model that was in direct conflict with our sexual development that is partially why your authentic sense of your sexuality didn’t inform your choices because there were external pressures of others! So we end up well into our 20’s and 30’s behaving and thinking about our sexuality that is more adolescent in comparison to our healthy, mature heterosexual counterparts.
vive
@enlightenone: “At 30 even 20, for god sake, a person knows they have NO desire “to bottom.” Desire comes before behavior if you have a healthy brain. Just dumb!”
Well, people change, and even when they don’t it depends on the partner. Tops feel different and have different ways of doing it – if one doesn’t feel good, another might. I never really enjoyed bottoming until relatively recently (I’m in my 40s). On the flip side, I am slowly showing my (until the age of 35 exclusively) bottom boyfriend the ropes to topping once in a while. He seems to enjoy it.
enlightenone
@vive: I’m assuming you read my most recent comment?
“He seems to enjoy it.” You should know it if he did! My philosophy about sex (having sex by the way is not making love), especially for gay men, is that it should be enjoyed and for a few experience a deep spiritual connection that stays with you long after the “act” itself. Topping and bottoming shouldn’t be something practical or a way to compensate like using your left hand, if your are right handed, because your right hand was tired, full, or injured!
I still say desire/curiosity comes before behavior. The desire can come from a desire to please your partner!
vive
I should add that the average urban gay sometimes forgets that many guys are not that experienced at 30.
I didn’t even have sex for the first time until 22 and fell into a relationship soon after, so by the age of 30 I had been with exactly two guys. This sounds like very few but wasn’t considered that unusual in the circles I ran in. Although I bottomed frequently with them, neither of the two was a particularly good top, so by 30 I had basically no idea what a great top felt like and so I didn’t think I liked bottoming. It wasn’t until much, much later that I learned.
stephen_victor
A lot of you took this list to heart. Wow. What happened to your funny bone, commenters? Did it go brittle and break at age 30?!
vive
@enlightenedone, let me restate that in American English. He DEFINITELY enjoys it, even though it is a new experience for him at 35. (I am from the British Commonwealth where tooting your own horn is considered louche.)
cspins
@onthemark: 🙂
jasentylar
I’m a bottom that doesn’t like sex
1EqualityUSA
jasentylar, You’re going to make a fine Archbishop someday.
Gordon Geise
You know what’s so very, very, unforgivably awful about this list? Not that somebody was stupid (and presumptuous and precious and privileged) to *write* it; but that there are readers out there stupid enough to take it seriously.
enlightenone
“…there are readers out there stupid enough to take it seriously.” Or they are smart enough to learn what you already know!
DaveNY
Left out the one I learned… “Stop trying to give advice to boys under 30 unless they ASK for it. Because otherwise they’re just going to be annoyed, insist you’re wrong, and do what they were going to do anyways, before eventually figuring it out for themselves, pretending they never thought otherwise, and writing a listicle on Queerty.”
macrochap
Wait, he tells you to pay off your credit card debt, then tells you to go out and buy nice new furniture, a nice new wardrobe and new luxury bedding?
Huh?
And btw my living area is mostly Ikea and its gorgeous. So much nicer than most other living rooms I’ve seen in other homes.
Rob Moore
I dated a Republican for a couple of months. It is as shitty as you might expect. I’m sixty, now, do take it from me. You can skip that experience.
Pete
#10 do you really think three or foursomes are a fetish? Groups are pretty ‘vanilla’ for gays.
#20 Date someone old enough to be my father?!?! A fetish I don’t care to explore. Dad bods NOT a turn on.
Bottomed for the first time at 16 so got that covered.
europeanguy
haha ive already doing dating an older guy, im 18 and he is 20 hehe (does that even count?) would love to do 2….but more then once and also 16 but none of those are near-by or really in england….plus id have to do it in a place no where near my parents house haha.
oh and i dont have any gay friends so……..im not lying when i say i havent done it with any guy friends haha
alphacentauri
@Gordon Geise: LOL very true, especially the “advice” about going to a clothing optional place or a sex resort/outdoor bath house.